Getting real; staying clear

At the Edge of Becoming

 

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do and began,

though the voices around you kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations-

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly began to recognize as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life you could save.  ~Mary Oliver

It had been a very long and sleepless night before I heard that voice inside say, “go naked.”

I read holy books out loud, I paced, and when I couldn’t even move, I prayed. It was as if the darkness inside of me had come out for a glimpse, and I couldn’t talk it down. I was on a collision course with self destruction, and I couldn’t think my way out of the danger. As I reviewed my life that night, it became clear that I was going to make some big mistakes, if I didn’t stop drinking. I was terrified, because I couldn’t do that on my own. What is sad now, is that it was the fear of making a mistake professionally, that got me to the threshold of surrender. It makes sense though, because I had always driven myself into madness trying not to make a mistake. The stakes were high, and I was terrified, but I surrendered anyway. I left the job too, by making that decision.

My soul wanted reunion with God, before my brain even knew it was possible. That is the beauty and mystery of grace; what looks like destruction, is actually a reunion.

I don’t channel messages, and don’t claim any such ability as it relates to Mary Magdalene or the Blessed Mother Mary. I am a mystic now, and I know the experience of them differently. Both of them demonstrated a way of being that allows the experience of the love and light and power of God. The divine feminine is a capacity, much more than just a personality. When I moved out into the unknown in response to the invitation to go naked, I began to receive ( a negative capacity) because my heart had been broken open. It was the first step literally, and metaphorically, to experiencing the power of God. I had said yes.

 

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