Wonder and the Razors Edge
“This was a ride on the razor’s edge and I couldn’t bear another cut. “
Chapter One, The Ride from the upcoming book, Going Naked Being Seen
A really wise friend of mine warned me about the addiction to logic. It’s great stuff, but not if you want to know God.
My journey into recovery began with a ride from strangers who appeared within hours after a desperate prayer for help. As we pulled away from my place, a surge of exhilaration ripped through my body like laser and opened me. It felt expansive and clear but within seconds, I looked at my socks and thought,
” If they find me dead somewhere, Sue will recognize these socks.”
That expansive feeling was the reason I had the guts to get well, because it was evidence that an experience of God was not only possible, it was immanent. That immanence sourced me, and over time, I would call it grace.
I seemed to return to grace when I exhausted my own resources; my funds, my ideas, and even my energy, but stayed on the road. I didn’t give up, and I tried not to go unconscious either. I just kept getting up, and showing up. Over time I realized that I was behaving differently and putting everything I had into my tasks. In the past, I had always withheld something, terrified that I might not get what I needed. Sadly, this applied to emotional investments too. I was reserved, because I didn’t know that love never runs out.
Weeks into my recovery, I went to a gathering where a basket circulated for donations. My debit card had disappeared several weeks before that, and I had looked through my purse at least a dozen times, without finding it. I had three loose dollars in my wallet, and no source of income. The people at this gathering had welcomed me, and I was in really rough shape, still sporting a hospital bracelet from a recent stay in the psychiatric unit. I reached into my purse to get one of the dollars to put in the basket, and my debit card was right next to the dollar bill. I felt more than opened this time, I felt cared for. I put a dollar in the basket as tears streamed down my cheeks and I put my faith in God to deliver when I couldn’t from that day forward. My life became remarkable as I realized the value of a mind opened in wonder, instead of one closed by belief.
I know what that feels like. But I also know what it feels like to be healed by a thousand little graces. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” The Aramaic Bible in Plain English, 2 Corinthians 12:19