Becoming the Beloved
” The first task of the poet is to create the person who will write the poems.” ~Stanley Kunitz
I’m not really a writer, I am a lover that puts life to words. The first time I knew that God wanted us to expand the patterns of creation, I got really excited. Writing became a communion and a thank you to God for the awesome gifts of life, light and love.
Working out on a treadmill was not the place I expected an epiphany, but then again, you can’t expect an epiphany; they just happen. A personal trainer wanted my attention, and he had to work to get it because I don’t like small talk at the gym, and I breathe better when I don’t talk while I run. He was really nice though, and had a job to do, so I let him give me his pitch. I wasn’t sure when I was going to interrupt him to tell him that I couldn’t afford his services, so I kept running and he kept talking. I slowed the treadmill down and thanked him for his offer of personal attention, as he handed me a towel. I really didn’t want to tell another human being that I was teaching one class, writing a book, and couldn’t afford much of anything. He beat me to it when he asked,
“What do you do for a living?”
I laughed, took a deep breath and said,
“I live life now. I’m finally the woman I always wanted to be.” Those words weren’t the ones I intended to use, but I heard myself say them and it astonished me. It was as if there was another person observing me that said it, and I knew that something real had changed about me.
He didn’t really press me for details because he could see that my response surprised me. So, he said,
“Wow, that’s really cool. How did it happen?”
I ended up talking to him for some time and I did take a free session. When we met the second time, I told him about my recovery; from depression and alcoholism, and the recovery of my connection to God. I used working out as the metaphor for all of them. I had become disciplined and pushed when entropy pulled. I showed up for life each day, and paid attention to the way my body felt. I took care of it and that helped me experience God. With totally humble beginnings, I had managed to extract the singular beauty of an experience each day, from things like the rose-bush that bloomed outside my place. I didn’t need much, because I was more interested in my inner life, and becoming clear, so that my creations would be beautiful.