Getting real; staying clear


Look through all appearances and feel me. The beauty comes through you; radiate it.

I was talking to my friend on the phone and soaking my feet in sea salt bath at the same time. I knew better than to mix water with talking on the phone, but  both activities felt so good, I couldn’t give one of them up. Sure enough, I dropped my phone in the water. Splash!

I fished that phone out faster than greased lightning, and immediately thought of lightning.

“What if I get electrocuted?”

Of course, I didn’t say that out loud, but I got scared just the same. My friend was talking so fast and was full of such important information to share, that I couldn’t even interrupt her to share my fright. So, we kept talking for about an hour. My phone seemed fine and I plugged it in before I went to bed, like I always do. The next morning it was dead. I almost lost my breath when I realized that I was CUT OFF  from all of my people and communications. And then, panic set in. Then immediately, another thought. Maybe I should be cut off from those distractions for a moment or two.

Look beyond all appearances and feel me. The beauty comes through you; radiate it.

That line was the last one in a larger message that I received in a spirituality class while I was an inpatient in treatment. The message inspired the odyssey of my recovery and my relationship with God, which is the subject of my forthcoming book, Going Naked, Being Seen: Mary Magdalene and the Return to God. I felt something powerful stirring within me as we shared in that class, and I captured the message. I had no idea what it meant, but over the next six years, I lived that message into being. By following that powerful movement, no matter what things looked like on the outside. I did that because I felt loved and seen; connected to something larger than me that I wanted to know. I had lived too long without feeling connected or truly seen, and powerless. From that moment on, I paid very close attention to the unseen world, and I began to intuit things, instead of making a plan or a judgement about an experience. I suddenly had some patience to see how things would organically unfold, when I stayed connected to that power, or lived with the belief that it was there, especially when I couldn’t see it. I was always led to the next thing I needed. But it was still survival mode, no matter how inspired. Because I was rebuilding a life from the ground up, I guess I had to keep things simple. One brick at a time, and without consulting an architect.

Now that some time has passed and I have gotten healthier and somewhat clear, I’m ready to put my toes in the cosmic sea of creation. And boy is this scary. It means that I have a greater responsibility than I originally understood; as a good steward of the life force and a spiritual and emotional adult, willing to accept the consequences of my decisions. And it has been this realization that has taken me some time to integrate. I’ve lived in a virtual cocoon as I finished my book and prepared it for publication this year. It was easy to be inspired, and capture that, but it was really challenging to prepare it as a book worthy of publication. Writing a book proposal and an effective query took a long time, serious work , and greater courage than I ever thought I could have. I never knew it would be so much work and that I would face so much rejection. But, I’ve gotten some attention from some beautiful and brilliant folks, and some fine literary agents too. That feels miraculous to me. I know it is God too, and that is the only reason I had the guts to continue to pursue the impossible. I want people to know this freedom is possible, and that I was as clumsily human as anyone, in the process of getting to it.

So, I was pretty mad at myself on Saturday morning when I realized I had to get myself to a Sprint store and likely buy a new phone. I didn’t want to spend hundreds of dollars now; I didn’t want to look stupid, and I didn’t want to go downtown because it would be teeming with people, and hot outside. But, I did, and I was thinking ridiculously negative thoughts about how much it would cost, or that I might not get a parking space, blah, blah, blah.

I was happy to get a parking spot right at the front door; not just the building, the door. And, to have a really sweet woman help me that did not think I was stupid and totally understood my panic. She knew I hadn’t purchased insurance on this phone, and she could tell I felt stupid about it now.

“Let me take this to our technician in the back. Do you have a few moments?”

“Yes, I do. I’ll just look at the phones, take your time.”

In no time she came out and the phone was working. It was a battery, that was all, and they gave it to me for free.

“It’s probably been getting weaker over time, but you might not have known why. It works a lot better now.”

I had got weaker over time too.  And I appreciated the metaphor that the Universe delivered so I could feel connected again. The one feeling that I return to and know without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a source of power  that, when I choose to believe it, and allow it to direct my movements, works things out for me in ways that are often better than any scenario I can come up with. Especially when I panic, or think I will be shamed or punished. That morning, a dead battery became my opportunity for an upgrade to clearer functioning. When I feel connected to God, I am a better person to this world. I’ve lived pretty close to the bone at times through my recovery process and I am grateful for that reality today. It made me pay attention to what really matters because my balance in the new world was fragile. I hope it always is really, because I don’t ever want to lose this feeling.


3 responses

  1. A great reminder to stay in balance and be present in the moment so as to receive those important metaphors and messages from the Universe. I am always so delighted when I feel that sense of connection and see the metaphors and messages, it leaves me feeling connected to something so much vaster than the details of my day to day life and transforms the mundane into the sacred. Thank you for this inspiring post!

    July 18, 2012 at 10:02 am

    • Juanita,

      I am happy to hear that it inspired you and reminded you that the mundane can also be sacred. You are very welcome.

      July 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

  2. Reblogged this on going naked being seen.

    July 15, 2016 at 2:11 pm

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