Euphemisms always intrigue me because of what they don’t say, or try to minimize. “Out there” is a way that most people in recovery talk about the time when they were sick, and actively using. It’s also used to describe a relapse. It was hard for me to feel that at first, until I got really honest with myself. You see, I never had to sell my body for drugs, or sleep under bridges because I had damaged every relationship and lost every stable residence or job. I drank in the comfort of lovely homes and with nice glasses; quality wines too, don’t you know. Over time, I’ve come to know how profound that description of the state of disease is. It feels like self-hatred to me, and I sure engaged in that; to the gates of death.
I just didn’t know I was angry. And I didn’t have a clue that God was the great reality of being; light and life and love, that I could reach within my being. I bought into the belief that I was so unlovable that I continued to damage myself, and perpetuate the lie of powerlessness. When I didn’t die at the hands of the Universal firing squad that I thought I had already faced in my near death experience, I kind of thought I had a second chance to get things right. That began to happen when I stopped looking outside myself for everything; love, validation, distraction and started to look within.
The changes in my life were revolutionary when I began to melt into the reality that God was love, and wasn’t going to punish me. Then, I slowly began to explore my inner being through meditation, and that truth revealed itself to me. I stopped looking for a rescue too and to began to develop a relationship with that being, however humble. And then, I was less mean to myself, and others.
The subject of meditation is not really talked about in recovery circles that I move in and it makes me very sad. In the program I follow it is a suggested discipline. Disciplines take focus, commitment and practice. And this one keeps me clean, not just sober. I never realized how disconnected I was, even when I wasn’t drinking. But I see the results of that hatred projected on so many other things.
The brutal massacre in Colorado this week took place at a movie theater, during the showing of The Dark Knight. We pay to watch violence on the screen, and yet recoil in horror when one among us acts it out. And yes, we are moved and pained by that brutality. It sure makes me feel vulnerable too. But, there is work to do inside ourselves, because those thought forms are miscreations, and we created them. Until I did some inner work and learned some real self-love and care, I too had the capacity to kill. I was killing myself, slowly over time. If I would have continued to drink, I might have killed someone else. I know massacre is different, but only in quantity, not quality. And mental illness is a complex thing, believe me, I’ve lived with and among it.
As a litigator, my trials were governed by rules of evidence. Only evidence of certain veracity and credibility was admissible to prove the truth of a matter in question. I think I was a natural then, to want to know the truth and integrity of things. It became obvious that I couldn’t let certain things into my being too, for that very reason.
God’s love transformed me. For those of you who don’t yet believe it is possible for you, I’d like to just wrap you in it, like a blanket of lavender, until you had no more resistance left. I’ll bet you would be tired, just like I was, because fighting yourself is exhausting. A little sleep and then the real waking. Please God, the real waking.
This song always comforted me when I was really suffering, over many things. I offer it here to suggest that there is a way out, and it is going within. Ask for angels man, I did.