Your Future is Spotless
Last night I was captivated by a woman’s story of recovery. There was powerful energy in her presentation, and she lit fires in hearts in that room. We were a room of women who had fallen,made mistakes and were community to heal and support each other. I can’t reveal her name, but I can tell you she ranked among the likes of Ellen; using humor to reveal things that are just plan hard to talk about. I felt something I haven’t in a long time.
Enthusiasm, solidarity, and hope. It was real.
I’ve carried heavy burdens after recovery that I didn’t see until I left Kansas City briefly, and came back. I loved my life here, and I grieved leaving. I returned and became ill again; something I thought would never happen. I had spent so long taking care of body and soul. It was such a joy to feel good, and alive and connected to something real. When I returned, I had realized I had been flying at low altitude in my life. Sort of living on the edge, and believe me, I was happy.
Along with the illness , came a time for deep reflection of patterns in my being and behavior that had caused me pain, or rendered me powerless. At times, the pain was so intense, I thought I couldn’t get through. Last night, I realized that a part of my pain was the horrible feeling like I had failed.
I believe that this deeply rooted feeling is what holds many of us back from claiming the love and abundant life that we deserve, simply by being a child of God. What I feel about myself is projected outward, and does impact my world. I am responsible for that.
I’m returning to the world of work, and it’s been daunting. My heart aches that I have gift to share, but I just haven’t seemed to find a fit. Great credentials and impressive achievements, on paper. Most of the job market seems to want a certain continuity in jobs that I just didn’t live. I struggle with hopelessness at times, just like so many I know do. I feel invisible.
Last night, I heard that my future is spotless. That means that I am new. That means that I will come to the table differently, and without the explanations about where I’ve been, and why. I come bearing gifts, and they are useful. I’m setting the table in fact, in waiting.
So many That come to me labor with these same issues. May their future be spotless too.
Here’s Josh Groban, with Higher Window. It speaks to the return of myself to my Self.
I’m back, and open, and willing.
My future is spotless.